captivity

[full_of_wrath]

Kirk gets called in. Mostly because Khan has made two duty officers guarding his cell ask to be relieved, one of them in tears.

He creates a lot of wear and tear, in general.

Comments

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"The things I read just aren't me."

Kirk admits, though he hasn't read even one percent of the summarized out there.

"Bar fights, that's me. Laying back and taking a beating--even when you were doing it for me, that felt wrong."

[full_of_wrath]

"That's a shame."

He admits, quietly, because it felt close to him.

"Perhaps we're ships in the night."

An expression that means nothing, any more.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

'That's a shame' gets Kirk to look at him in confusion.

"It felt wrong because I thought you felt like you were forced into it. Like the only reason you weren't fighting back was because you thought I'd stop protecting your crew if you hit me."

[full_of_wrath]

"Yes."

He agrees, because that's true.

"But more indirectly. I thought that if I displeased you, you'd stop protecting my crew. I liked working to please you."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"It was wrong to hold that over your head."

He looks away, and then down at his boot for a moment, thinking about Khan's tongue there and the way he'd held Kirk's foot while he worked.

"Service shouldn't be about coercion."

[full_of_wrath]

"You were angry with me."

He reminds him.

"I imagine you still are, parts of you. Can you separate service from that, as well? I think I'd find service to anger more difficult."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"Anger makes it even more wrong. If I can't separate it, I won't do it."

Kirk, at least, is a man of his word and a man of honor--his own special code, sure, but one he adheres to.

[full_of_wrath]

"I appreciate that."

He agrees, inclining his head.

"I'd rather the rest of the crew didn't find out. Only your close friends, if you must."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"They don't need to know."

He will probably tell Bones, anyway, to get a medical opinion. And he'll probably tell Spock, because he always asks for Spock's advice and then generally disregards it.

[full_of_wrath]

"You should not feel isolated. If I had a confidant, I would ask the same courtesy."

He says, shortly.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"I meant the crew. But you're probably right. I don't know what Spock will say about it, but I'm pretty sure it'll be worth hearing."

He clasps his hands together.

"What do you like?"

[full_of_wrath]

He stumbles on that question.

"I've- I'm not entirely sure."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk gives him a Look.

"You can't get out of it that easy, come on, you know all of this...even if you've never done it, you wouldn't have brought it up if it didn't interest you."

[full_of_wrath]

"I spent the last- nearly two years, now, in this world of yours, in either a cell, a combat situation, or a warlike state. Before that, I was trying to evacuate a loathed batch of refugees from all corners of the globe onto one ship, watching more of my friends and people be murdered every day. For years before that, we were at war- for a portion of that, I was a prisoner in my own time. I haven't had the freedom to think about the shapes of my desires since I was a foot shorter, a young twenty something."

Trying to explain for him.

"I remember it, but half of it would have memories attached too painful to touch on. The other half I'm sure I've grown out of. I don't know what I like."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk is quiet as he listens, just nodding, accepting.

"You need to tell me where those memories are, Khan. I'm not itching to go step on an emotional landmine."

[full_of_wrath]

"Mm."

He agrees, and opens his mouth. Then closes it again.

"I started to- I think I want to rephrase that."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk makes a permissive gesture with his hand; go ahead.

[full_of_wrath]

"I started to explain something unhappy. But the thought of giving that to you, just-"

It works.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"I need to know it isn't going to damage you."

Or set him off, or something potentially worse. But the way Khan had said that strikes Kirk in a deeply wonderful way, in spite of himself.

"So when the time comes, you need to tell me when to back off."

[full_of_wrath]

"I will. But I like the idea of the absolution of you deciding I've suffered enough. Telling me I've done my penance."

Is his tender explanation.

"What I remember most about the last time you hit me was you saying I didn't have to do it again."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

And Kirk realizes then that part of this has to be the cultural divide between them, but he doesn't know how to tailor it to what life is like now.

"It doesn't work like that. If I started doing this, whatever it is, with you, it wouldn't be because at the end of it you'd be absolved."

[full_of_wrath]

"I don't mean it'd have bearing on the real world."

He admits, shaking his head.

"But you could take a hot poker to me, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Or what you were doing to me, last time. It hurt. But I couldn't afford to break. Your stopping, earlier, this time, before I would be forced to make a sound, and telling me I had done enough, I'd enjoy that."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk lets out a slow breath, because he's being very swayed by this line of thought. He can see, because he's also a tactician, how it could be maneuvered to his advantage. Khan could be made to feel less guilt, and perhaps his loyalty could be earned through feeling redemption the way he was taught to view it.

"Does this mean you feel guilt for what you did to Pike? To the others?"

[full_of_wrath]

"I don't feel anything, when I think about most of that year."

He admits, drawing a knee to his chest.

"It reminds me more of old Earth. I stood most of two days, once, tied in strappado. Do it to me again, and let me down before I betray myself screaming, this time."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"Is that how this would help you?"

And he asks it earnestly in a tone that implies he wants to help Khan.