captivity

[full_of_wrath]

Kirk gets called in. Mostly because Khan has made two duty officers guarding his cell ask to be relieved, one of them in tears.

He creates a lot of wear and tear, in general.

Comments

[full_of_wrath]

He stumbles on that question.

"I've- I'm not entirely sure."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk gives him a Look.

"You can't get out of it that easy, come on, you know all of this...even if you've never done it, you wouldn't have brought it up if it didn't interest you."

[full_of_wrath]

"I spent the last- nearly two years, now, in this world of yours, in either a cell, a combat situation, or a warlike state. Before that, I was trying to evacuate a loathed batch of refugees from all corners of the globe onto one ship, watching more of my friends and people be murdered every day. For years before that, we were at war- for a portion of that, I was a prisoner in my own time. I haven't had the freedom to think about the shapes of my desires since I was a foot shorter, a young twenty something."

Trying to explain for him.

"I remember it, but half of it would have memories attached too painful to touch on. The other half I'm sure I've grown out of. I don't know what I like."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk is quiet as he listens, just nodding, accepting.

"You need to tell me where those memories are, Khan. I'm not itching to go step on an emotional landmine."

[full_of_wrath]

"Mm."

He agrees, and opens his mouth. Then closes it again.

"I started to- I think I want to rephrase that."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk makes a permissive gesture with his hand; go ahead.

[full_of_wrath]

"I started to explain something unhappy. But the thought of giving that to you, just-"

It works.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"I need to know it isn't going to damage you."

Or set him off, or something potentially worse. But the way Khan had said that strikes Kirk in a deeply wonderful way, in spite of himself.

"So when the time comes, you need to tell me when to back off."

[full_of_wrath]

"I will. But I like the idea of the absolution of you deciding I've suffered enough. Telling me I've done my penance."

Is his tender explanation.

"What I remember most about the last time you hit me was you saying I didn't have to do it again."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

And Kirk realizes then that part of this has to be the cultural divide between them, but he doesn't know how to tailor it to what life is like now.

"It doesn't work like that. If I started doing this, whatever it is, with you, it wouldn't be because at the end of it you'd be absolved."

[full_of_wrath]

"I don't mean it'd have bearing on the real world."

He admits, shaking his head.

"But you could take a hot poker to me, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Or what you were doing to me, last time. It hurt. But I couldn't afford to break. Your stopping, earlier, this time, before I would be forced to make a sound, and telling me I had done enough, I'd enjoy that."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk lets out a slow breath, because he's being very swayed by this line of thought. He can see, because he's also a tactician, how it could be maneuvered to his advantage. Khan could be made to feel less guilt, and perhaps his loyalty could be earned through feeling redemption the way he was taught to view it.

"Does this mean you feel guilt for what you did to Pike? To the others?"

[full_of_wrath]

"I don't feel anything, when I think about most of that year."

He admits, drawing a knee to his chest.

"It reminds me more of old Earth. I stood most of two days, once, tied in strappado. Do it to me again, and let me down before I betray myself screaming, this time."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"Is that how this would help you?"

And he asks it earnestly in a tone that implies he wants to help Khan.

[full_of_wrath]

"Not if you're doing it strictly as a service. But if there were something you would appreciate in it-"

Explaining, with a hopeful glance.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"There is. You were the one to point out my sadistic side."

He reminds him, but that's not what he'd really get out of this. He finds deep meaning in service; it's part of what makes him the captain he is.

[full_of_wrath]

"I wish I felt something about Pike."

He admits, absently.

"But I feel cauterized, when I think of any of it."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"No. I get it. I feel the same way, when I think of..."

The Romulans, the other people he's had to take down.

"Never mind."

[full_of_wrath]

"It was a long year."

Explaining, rubbing his eyes.

"It's been a very long time since I did rest at all."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"I get it."

He says again, his tone putting distance between him and the subject.

"You really wouldn't mind being tied up?"

[full_of_wrath]

"I want to do it."

He'll mind. But he wants it, all the same.

[kobayashiwhatnow]

Kirk is understandably skeptical.

"Then, for starters, I could chain your ankle to a chair while you work?"

He knows full well Khan could break the chair and get away. He's sure Khan knows it too. That's not the point.

[full_of_wrath]

He lets out a breath, and nods. Yes.

"And read about strappado. That's your first homework."

[kobayashiwhatnow]

"I know what it is."

He says, very quietly.

"I'm not going to do that to you."

[full_of_wrath]

"Leave my feet on the ground."

He answers.

"I told you, I've withstood it for more than a day at a time."